How to Spot a Narcissist

And why you are probably one too

Let us imagine narcissism as a way of gauging the level of our self-absorption, as if it existed on a measurable scale from high to low. at a certain depth, let us say below the halfway mark on the scale, people enter the realm of deep narcissism, Once they reach this depth, it is very difficult for them to raise themselves back up, because they lack the self-esteem device. The deep narcissist becomes completely self-absorbed, almost always below the mark.

- Robert Greene

We’ve all met a narcissist. Perhaps we’ve worked for one or perhaps we’re even married to one. Perhaps our friend is one or a family member. Whoever your narcissist is you will know how emotionally draining they can be. Charismatic and charming at first they feed off you like a parasite until they infect your thinking and your actions. Your self-worth is now in their complete control. Robert Greene in his book ‘The Laws Human of Nature’ has a chapter on narcissism that I found quite enjoyable and wanted to share with you.

Robert Greene begins the chapter by explaining how all humans have an innate yearning for attention. Since we are born and throughout our lives, we are constantly seeking attention. From our mother and father when we are born to siblings, family members and friends growing up to adults, work colleagues, piers, strangers and of course, more than anything else we crave attention from those we want to partner with.

This takes on many forms throughout our lives and can’t be categorised into one bucket. We crave validation and attention from our family members, bosses and partners. We also crave physical touch and intimacy. Being denied these types of attention, physical or mental can have a detrimental effect on our personalities, particularly if we are lacking one or both when we are young and growing up.

We’ve all heard the psychopath stories with the abusive drunken fathers and cold unloving mothers.

But Robert Green argues that we are all narcissists in some way. He states that narcissism is on a spectrum and that people generally fall somewhere in the middle. At the two ends is where you have the extremes.

Instead of constantly seeking external validation from others which is exhausting and timely we create our own self-image. This can change throughout life such as when people leave high school but this offers us the validation that we crave. It offers us our self-esteem.

When we are younger if our parents aren’t interested in us (this sadly happens) it can create a sense of abandonment. This sense of loneliness creates traits in adults that are usually harmful in relationships. Alternatively, if our parents mollycoddle us, constantly giving us attention (boy mums), then growing up that is what we crave. We can do no wrong and seek constant validation.

An extrovert narcissist can thrive and is often the charming charismatic type. Grandiose one moment but pathetic another. Introverts turn inwards and delusional and often have an air of superiority about them. They’re awkward and pitiful. A common trait in all is that they take things extremely personally and often act in rage and get defensive or play the victim attracting people toward them with their sympathy. They can be hard to work or get along with, with their constant attention-seeking behaviour, anxieties and over-self-confidence. Alas, they can also be great fun summoning high emotions and high stakes.

On this narcissist scale of low to high, below the middle mark you have the deep narcissists, that is what we have just explained above. Above the middle mark, you have functional narcissists where most of us lie. Occasionally we fall below the mark into the deep realm but we don’t quite need the constant validation and approval that they do all the time. We have a self-image that we can lean on as a crutch.

There isn’t anything wrong with narcissists (of course) but you need to be able to spot them and keep them at arms bay for your own clarity. Here Robert Greene explains how.

First

And most important you need to be able to spot deep narcissists. With their uncanny ability to turn the blame on everybody but themselves and play the victim, they spin their webs like spiders, making it almost impossible not to get entangled. Working under somebody like this can be toxic and make your life hell. Partnering with one emotional turmoil. Public leaders who are deep narcissists can create havoc!

Second

We must acknowledge and accept our own narcissism. Carefully analysing our thoughts and actions we can’t let our own self-absorption fall below the halfway mark. Yes, we like it when people reaffirm what we say or do. It makes us feel good and righteous and boosts our self-esteem. But to move beyond this stage we need to go further.

Third

We should all aim to be healthy narcissists. Healthy narcissists are toward the top end of the spectrum and typically need less validation than most. They have an internal resilience and don’t tend to take things too personally. They understand their flaws and don’t try to hide them. They can plough their energy into work or other causes, drawing in people around them. They are also emphatic people. They can sense other people’s moods just by looking at their faces or hearing the tone in their voices. My review of the book Endurance by Alfred Lansing has perhaps one of the greatest examples of a healthy narcissist you can imagine, that of the man Ernest Shackleton. He had an incredible ability to understand exactly where all 27 of his men’s heads were at almost every minute of the 18 months they were abandoned and trapped in the freezing Antarctic.

We find more and more people who can not imagine that others have a different perspective, that we are all not exactly the same in what we desire or think.

- Robert Greene

To get to this third stage of being a healthy narcissist you need to understand the 4 components that go into building your empathic skill set.

The empathic attitude

Judging people before you see things from their perspective robs you of truly understanding, and learning who somebody is or why they have done something the way they did. As Robert Green says “Each person you meet is an undiscovered country” waiting to be explored. Embrace an empathic attitude towards all people you meet. *As a sidebar I’m reading Ed Thorps - A Man for All Markets and he describes something called ‘three degrees of separation’ which means that if you take two random people they are usually connected by three or under acquaintances. We’re all closely connected more than you think.

Visceral empathy

It’s hard for us to figure out what people are thinking but a lot easier to pick up people’s tone, body language and moods. It’s important to pick up these tell-tale signs before you listen to what they have to say. Instinctively will can detect this in seconds. It’s hard for people to conceal their true emotions without offering us some clues.

Analytic empathy

We often understand our nearest and dearest the most but even then at times, we have to adjust our thinking when they do something differently than expected. We’ve all met people we just can’t get the rub on. They seem aloof and their values contradictory to our own but Abraham Lincoln had a great quote on the challenges of getting to know people:

I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.

- Abraham Lincoln

The goal of this for most people isn’t to try and manipulate them but to try and understand how they tick. What things are important to them? If you work in a team this is something very important if you want to be in a great work environment.

The empathic skill

This involves mixing direct with indirect feedback. With direct you ask people about their thoughts and moods to see if you gauged them correctly with indirect coming from the rapport you build with people, sensing what techniques have worked for you in building the relationship.

There you have it. 3 steps to help you spot a narcissist and 4 skills to hone to bring out your healthy, empathic narcissist side of you.

There are another 17 chapters in the book and I’m sure there’ll be more interesting things for me to write about in the coming weeks. Until next time.

*Photo by Henry & Co.